What a week

Sorry blog - had rather a busy week and not know if I'm coming or going.

happy birthday to me!! Bobbed to the LGI first thing to donate some blood so no birthday lie in. Left work early as wanted to meet up with Andy to make the call together rather than be on tod in office, plus it was a lovely afternoon so we met up at Bolton Abbey and went for a walk. After 10 minutes of engaged tone eventually got through to be told it was positive!! Never before have I had a sober birthday tea, well not since the age of 16 or 17 anway.

Now is the anxious wait till next week when I find out what is going on inside. Hopefully it is not the mind playing tricks but I feel more pregnant this time, really wiped out and from time to time feeling rather sickly and occasionally faint. On the other hand I really miss going out to train, but on the other hand not sure how much spare energy I have at the minute. Although the hospital says swimming is ok the accupuncturists advise against it as the chemicals could harm the baby's growth so I'd rather wait as they suggest until I get to 12 weeks, would far rather sacrifice the next few weeks when I feel crap anyway rather than lose it or damage the baby's growth - would seem so selfish having battled to get this far. Plus Suki never says no to walkies!!

Had a lovely relaxing weekend in the Lakes, felt really weird to be there without bikes or running shoes. Went for a walk in Grizedale forest Saturday afternoon, and around Grasmere and Rydal Water on Sunday, never before has a flat walk described as easy in the book and only 5 miles felt like such hard work by the end. Had a lovely mug of hot choclate at Rydal though, much better than the previous day's offering in Hawkshead that won't be repeated.

Michelle's hen do on Saturday will be interesting. Although Michelle knows no-one else at work does (apart from fellow bosses) and I'd like it to stay that way, apart from spa day and I can't go in the pool or jacuzzi and night out where I can't drink!! So the several colleagues that are going may get a clue - but of course my body is a temple, I'm racing the next day and my skin reacts to jacuzzis!! hate lieing but rather not be broadcast just yet - at the very least until the nurse says things are growing as they should be, 1, 2, 3 or 4?????

24 hours until reckoning

Well, here we are, in 24 hours I will know whether to ditch the drugs and drown my sorrows, or whether the hospital will make my birthday really special. Today I have been at my parent's ruby wedding party and fooled most of my family thanks to a bit of cunning help from my dad who bought a bottle of no-alcohol wine and hid it in the fridge, so to all intents and purposes I was drinking but I wasn't really, I had half a glass of bubbles only (if that)

we have already decided regardless of the outcome we are having a weekend away in the Lakes next week, and looking forward to it

Fingers crossed, will I be entering more races tomorrow night or coming home to plan another few week's worth of excuses as to why I am not running?????

Transfer day

Well the day finally arrived when my embryos were defrosted. I have been anxious given the roller coaster so far, that they would all have perished in the freezer. Before the hospital I went to accupuncture and she played a Zita West CD for pre-transfer in which I had to banish all negative thoughts and get ready to welcome my embryos. Got to the hospital and met the embryologist who confirmed they had defrosted 2 and both were ok so the other 3 remain in the freezer. Both have lost 1 cell each so are both 3 cells, but are potentially viable. Had to change into lovely gown, and andy got his "blues" but couldn't proceed straight away as my bladder wasn't full enough. As so many times in this process my body was having the last laugh! We sat in our cubicle whilst I was swallowing cup after cup of water being entertained by two ladies in teh next cubicle who had clearly been for an egg collection and just coming round from their anaesthetic and were high as a kite and enjoying their day at the "battery farm" as one of them referred to it as.

Eventually my bladder was full enough and off I went, my god it's uncomfortable to say the least, similar but slightly worse than a smear test (always uncomfortable for me as my cervix is not central and they can never find it). How come blokes don't have to endure any of this, it really isn't fair that men can contribute to infertility but it's us that has to endure the drugs, procedures, the pregnancy hormones and sickness and then give birth at the end, all they do is the easy bit -we should be able to come up with a male procedure that hurts!! To top it all had go back to accupuncture afterwards and had 4 needles in each ear - ouch!! Still Andy took me out for dinner as we hadn't got anything out the freezer and the nurse was quite clear that irons, washing machines and cookers were toxic to my embryos

And now as I type I wish I could see what's happening inside and whether they are swimming merrily or choosing to implant themselves and grow???

The ironic thing is as they were "day2" embryos we find out 12 days after the transfer, which is my birthday!! The timing couldn't be any better or worse!!

Happy birthday - or drown sorrows birthday?? Only time will tell!!

last few weeks

Well the roller coaster has most definitely been continuing at full force in the last few weeks but been away in Wales with no computer hence not had chance to blog. Went to hospital on 11th to be told I wasn't thick enough. Gutted!! Off to Wales for week's holiday on Saturday as booked 6 months prior. On the way we called off at Chester hospital to visit Barbara and Lauren who was well cute but oh so small, still only about 4 lb 3oz but doing well. Watched Andy do his first ever olympic triathlon on Sunday, he did well to get to the end given his lack of training and going over on his ankle the morning of the race and finished in just under 3.5 hours.

On Tuesday we returned to Leeds leaving Suki with my parents only to be told still not thick enough, come back Thursday. we refused! Spoke with the Doctor as well as the nurse and agreed to carry on the pills until Saturday but both went home thinking we would have this round terminated as well as I was no thicker than I was last year when they terminated us due to not being thick enough.

Climbed Snowdon on THursday and then home Friday evening and back to hospital on Saturday. Still no thicker but this time they are willing to go ahead and transfer. I am 6.7mm and anything over 6 is viable although they prefer it to be 8mm. However I had been discussed with the Professor who heads the department who is of the view that given both times I have got to 6.7 and not beyond, even with a higher dose of tablets, that is all my body will do and to go ahead and see what happens.

So sometime on Wednesday we'll be off to the LGI again, find out the time tomorrow. One last hurdle will be the thawing process and hoping em and bryo II have survived their 18 months in the freezer - fingers crossed

Assuming they have I'll then find out 2 weeks later - eek

If it's a yes, then shall be thrilled but very nervous given I lost the last one

If it's a no, then I will go online and see if there are still places for the Guy Fawkes and Abbey Dash races in November and recommence training

Which will it be???? Only time will tell!!!

Latest thoughts

Barbara gave birth on Saurday night, accupunture helped her and will hopefully help me. She didn't however need it at the end to help persuade the baby to come out, due date 16th October and gave birth 5th september!!

Had accupuncture on Friday and had elctrodes in back and legs for the first time, very wierd. Supposed to help the blood flow to the uterus and thicken the lining. Going again twice this week before the hospital appointment. Andy wondered if I a mug, but would rather focus on it is helping, than the negative thoughts that creep in every now and again, that I failed at this stage last time, come on body fatten up please so we can defrost and see what happens this time

Back to hospital again yesterday. Was really apprehensive as had spent most of last week and the bank holiday weekend waiting for my period to start and getting more and more frustrated when it wasn't. As usual my body was having the last laugh just as it did when we first went ahead with IVF. Whereas the last 2 months I have been 28 days each cycle this time around I got to day 37 and started the day before my hospital appointment. Even my acupuncturist failed in her attempt to speed the process up. Fortunately I shed enough lining in 24 hours to be "thin enough" in terms of womb lining to proceed onto the second stage - the oestrogen tablets. Now on day 2 of those and go back next Friday. On a much higher dose than last time from the outset as my first attempt at a frozen cycle failed as my body wasn't reacting well enough to the medication, needless to say am a little nervous as we can't see inside to know what's happening.

As we go back the day before we go to Wales for a week's holiday (booked months ago!) we are hoping I'll be "fat enough" by then to go ahead with a transfer and can just come back from Wales to Leeds once for that to happen. Will be very frustrating if we have 2 or more trips back and won't benefit from a week away from home/work..... but then if life ever went to plan we wouldn't be here and needing the medical assistance in the first instance!!

Day one

Just been to hospital this morning for first time, this time round. Lengthy wait as normal but eventually saw the nurse and had a scan and everything was fine, so went to the pharmacy for the drug I needed and then after another wait saw the nurse again for her to inject it. Back in 14 days time to see if my womb lining is thin enough to progress onto the oestrogen drugs (which is what my body failed to react to sufficiently last time). If on target this time will be bit of a pain as we are on holiday for a week to Wales at around the time they will be transferring the embryos, but at least we are in Wales and not getting a flight anywhere. So far so good, but we have learnt over the last few years that not all trips to the LGI are as positive, the rollercoaster continues.

Sat at home typing this, seems so quiet as Suki is at the vets having a number of allergy tests done. Felt awful this morning not giving her breakfast and then taking her back to the vets and leaving her, she has such sorrowful eyes pleading with me not to leave her with the nasty vet, but it is for her own good we hope. Over the last few months she has developed a bad itch and often scratches herself that badly that she then bleeds, so we are trying to get to the bottom as to what the problem is.

Had a great race at the weekend and finished in 2 hours 51. Didn't enjoy the swim being very murky (shallow and sandy) so couldn't see other people's feet until too late and been kicked in the face but had a good bike ride and an ok run. Only 1 girl passed me on the bike and I passed 2, just couldn't catch my club mates/friends who were ahead, but very happy to break 3 hours very comfortably. What race i do next, only time will tell

The final countdown

Only4 days to go until the first hospital visit. Nervous and apprehensive but will be glad of the chance to get the show on the road again and start the process of determining what 2010 will bring to our household. In the meantime I have my final tri race of the season on Sunday at Allerthorpe near York, again an Olympic distance event, my second one. Getting excited and nervous now, going across there tomorrow afternoon to camp, and will drive round the bike course to see what it entails, looks ok from the information posted on the race website. In the second out of 3 waves of swimmers, about 65-70 in my wave so hopefully not as mad as it was at Ripon but not a straightforward swim course so will definitely be interesting.

Had fantastic result at Hyde Park 5k time trial on Saturday, 25.26 according to my watch. Wow couldn't get under 27.30 this time last year so all the hard work is definitely paying off. Just need to learn how to not lose speed in the 3rd km and will then hopefully dip under 25 mins one day ......but not any time soon as won't be there again until after my treatment unless more disasters occur during the treatment. Not done too much this week with it being the race on Sunday

Tick tock.....tick tock....

Another week gone

Not too much to report this week. Another day of acupuncture on Wednesday and I'm sure she forgot me this time as was 45 mins instead of the usual 30 which wouldn't be a problem normally but wanted to get to Pool Triangle time trial and get an early number so could be one of the first to set off, and instead I got 15 , wasn't last to finish but wasn't far off. But I finally broke under 42 mins for the course and not only that I did it in 40 mins bang on, so now have the confidence that one day I will get under. Will try next week but that will be the last one this season as I can't make the last one, and who knows whether I will be racing next year???

IVF on news yesterday about national variances in how many times areas allow you attempts on etc NHS. Apparently the guidelines recommend 3 times, clearly Leeds don't comply as their rules stated 1 only, some areas did 6 - but they didn't say where and I am not moving!!

Plans for next year if I on Plan B are shaping up nicely and in some ways I won't not enjoy it if that's what I end up doing. There are some days at work I wonder why I want children, particularly if I see brats either in my office or in town at dinner time, but then I see our friend's girl Rosa (1 in June) and she reminds me, or someone else I know tells me they are pregnant and it hurts. Just wish family and parents could back off at times, they may not mean to pressurise us but they do and we are both a little fed up to say the least

Had dinner at Rich and Jos on Saturday (Rosa's parents and Andy's best mate) and were talking about whether we'd adopt if it doesn't work out, and I honestly don't know the answer. We adopted Suki successfully but a child is a completely different kettle of fish to a labrador, it answers back for starters. Given my job I know there are a lot of children in the care system needing a good home, but I also know a lot of them are damaged emotionally and in other ways, and some acquaintances of ours adopted a 12 month old several years ago and ended up handing him back cos they couldn't cope with him, which kind of puts us off the idea. It's an area we'll revisit if we have to, but not now

18 days to go before start IVF again, and back on board the emotional roller coaster. So thought I would try and relieve the roller coaster by blogging and expressing how I feel from time to time. Right now is apprehensive and am sure that will continue. Had one full treatment starting December 2007 and in February 2008 discovered I was pregnant but the baby didn't grow properly and I lost it at around 9 weeks, resulting in a delightful full day spent in Jimmys to have everything removed. Then October 2008 I tried again, only to have to terminate the treatment as my womb lining wasn't thickening enough. They said to ring again when I next bled, but that wasn't until January (the drugs clearly messing with my cycles that have never been regular at the best of times) by which time I had been allocated my run club's place to run the London marathon in April 2009 and couldn't resist the opportunity of beating my demons from the 2007 FLM where I had a horrendous time. Although yet again the day was scorching and I didn't run the race of my dreams due to the heat and congestion I nonetheless enjoyed it and was ready to go ahead again afterwards only for them to say no, we are too short staffed in the embryology department and are not doing any frozen treatments, come back when you bleed in July. (I have 5 little embryos merrily sat in a freezer somewhere in the depths of the LGI)

Do they not know it is people's lives they are dealing with. I was so mentally ready and had started accupuncture (the friend who recommended trying this is now 6 months pregnant herself), and bang!! No can do, come back later. And then true to form I had a 50/50 chance of bleeding on 1st July and started on 28th June, following my shortest cycle ever.

My way of coping was to do my first olympic triathlon in Ripon on 11th July, an event which I thoroughly enjoyed and was very pleased with my time which was 3 hours 8 mins. Ok there are things in every discipline which I need to improve, but no athlete never has something they need to improve on. And now I am doing another one in York on 16th August before quitting for the remainder of the season (almost over anyway) to concentrate on the treatment.

Plans for 2010:
Plan A no races and give birth to sproglet or two
Plan B couple more Olympic tris, half ironman and the sub four thirty marathon I know I am capable of